Always trashy, never classy

        I'm a happy teenage girl. I have fairly good grades, a good family, good friends, and things are pretty great. But the one thing I don't have in life is a man. Having a boyfriend is the only thing that would ever make me feel normal. As a 17 year old female, it would be ridiculous for me to not have some guy to drool over and obsess about, and I feel for the other girls out there that are in the same situation. I have a plan for me and the rest of us.
       Clearly, guys only have an interest in all those girls that wear the super cute mini skirts and totally adorable v-necks. My favorite look is the one where half of their upper parts are hanging out of the pretty, sparkly, thin cut 'shirts'. What better way to show a guy how much you like him than to hoist up what God gave you for the world to see! If I'm a girl and want a guy to like me, all I should do is feature my favorite aspects around glitter and sparkles. EVERY ONE and their mother knows that if girls don't dress like this, they don't have boyfriends and will inevitably die alone with all their cats.
       The only stupid thing a girl could do is act like she's actually somewhat intelligent. Boys only have somewhat of an interest if they are aware that they're the smartest in the room. So a girl should never, ever, ever act like she has a brain or like she's passionate about anything. If you show that you're interested in absolutely nothing and have no plans for your future, you are guaranteed that guys will find you and fall in love with you. So in all cases, act as dumb as possible.
      To help all the poor girls out there like me (the ones with parents that raised them wrong and told them to wear granny clothes), I'm going to start a store (but not tell anyone because that would show a girl's independence). This store would sell boring clothes like sweaters and jeans as to make mothers and fathers happy everywhere. But the catch is that underneath the clothes is built in 'boyfriend' wear: the only clothes a girl can wear to get a boyfriend. So when we go to parties to get drunk and show guys how much we respect ourselves, we can rip off our layers and show the world what we can really offer!

To all the girls that want a boyfriend, just remember: Always trashy, never classy.