How to Succeed in English Class

English Class: a highly subjective course designed to stimulate the young mind by delving deep into literary works in order to come up with an often BS explanation to why an author made a certain choice; often brings up shaded and jaded analysis.

This definition is not, alas, a Dictionary.com find, but is derived from my own brain. What can you tell from this definition? Does Andrew hate English? If he hates English, he must hate Mr. Logsdon, right? Does his hatred of English class stem from a horrible childhood experience in which he was forced to analyze readings to come up with a possible answer while being fed rotten broccoli? If your mind went to any of these places after reading the above definition, you analyze too much.

English class is wonderful to some people, and that is great. Many people love arguing and debating about stylistic choices and the meaning of sentence structure. Some despise it. That is why, after my many years of watching English classes first hand, I have compiled this list of How to Succeed in English Class:

1. Always come prepared. You need paper and a pen, but not just any pen. You need a pen that will describe you. Something slender and sleek, or bright and shiny, a pen that you could explain to your English teacher as "one that writes from the caverns of my soul".
2. Read the text. Whatever your teacher assigns you to read, make sure you do it. If you don't, you will be forced to give and answer that is more outlandish than the one you would have gotten even if you had read it.
3. Have 12 opinions. After reading the text, make sure you think about what was written and form multiple opinions based on it. It doesn't matter how crazy they are, if you can point to one word in the reading your teacher will most likely accept it.
4. If you get stuck, piggyback off someone else's answer. Say things like "I agree with what he said" and repeat the idea, making sure to add an example from the text so you look better than your classmate who had the original thought.
5. If you have nothing to say, there are two places to look. Either look down at the text, looking like you are doing some fact-checking or scouring the document for even deeper analysis. OR look off in to the distance with half-squinted eyes. This will make you appear as if you are in deep thought, contemplating the opinions being thrown around. Add a well-placed finger to the temple to add to this look.
6. Use words like "juxtaposition", "syntax", and "diction". You will seem smart and your classmates will be confused with your jargon.
7. Do not ever talk about sports. English teachers hate sports.
8. When reading an essay, always say this sentence: "I don't see how this argument relates back to the thesis". Your classmates will agree with you immediately and the teacher will be forced to find a minuscule hole in the thesis. You can never go wrong with this statement.
9. NEVER take something at face value. You will always be wrong because remember, there is a hidden meaning behind EVERYTHING.

With these simple tips, you are ready to succeed in your English class and blow the other students away with your intelligence.