I love old people. They’re adorable in each and every
aspect. There’s nothing better than listening to a good old war story, or
hearing how they travelled ten miles by foot to school in hail, snow, rain, and
tornadoes. Though, I must say, my favorite part of old people is their
diseases. They come in all different types, but the best ones are the painful
and terminal ones. Shingles, Prostate
cancer, Parkinson’s, stuff like that. These diseases last for months, even
years, most without a cure. The best part? Each and every time some old coot is
diagnosed with these diseases, we force them to LIVE with these diseases and
the pain that comes with them.
Big Brother sees the pain that our elderly citizens go
through every day. He dopes them up best he can, and sticks them in houses
where they, as a species, get to be surrounded by their own kind. Rumor has it
that they even fornicate there. However, the pleasure of being flying high on
medication can only take you so far until you plummet back to the ground, and
that’s when being an old person reaches its peak. Suddenly, you’re filled with
indescribable pain, and money is wasted on more medicine that plagues you with
side effects that would sound much worse when read off the pill bottle if you
weren’t already dying from an incurable disease. However, side effects are side
effects, so, being the generous man he is, Big Brother gives you more medicine
to deal with those too, and that means more money, not to mention the cost of
staying in a home with delightfully questionable care.
Taking their money isn’t enough, though. Being old isn’t
complete without having your rights taken away from you. Big Brother wrote down
somewhere in the Declaration of Independence that we have “unalienable rights”
and somewhere in that vagueness we were given the right to life, liberty, and
the pursuit of happiness. However, because you, as an elderly person, are older
than the document itself, you’re exempt from these rights. Instead, you’re
given something much better: inability to die no matter what. Big Brother loves
to keep these old farts pushing through their everyday life, despite any sort
of pain they may be going through, the same way he made them walk ten miles to
school despite the weather. Instead of giving these guys a break from life, he
tells them that they have to suffer through the pain of having to wake up in
the morning to chronic pain that will never mitigate.
The opposition for keeping our
considerably-more-awesome-than-us, elderly citizens alive is to allow them to
perform physician assisted human suicide. What our opponents are suggesting is
that we allow our elders to take their lives into their own hands, and decide what
they want to do with them. This in itself is absolutely ridiculous. Who would
give someone a life JUST to let them control what they want to do with it? They’re
not in the right mind to do this, and even if they are, we’ll pump more meds
through them to make sure that they aren’t. Just because with age comes
experience doesn’t mean we should allow them to use that experience. We, as the
public, have a right to dictate each and every single thing that our elders do,
and therefore, we must keep the repress the opposition, and continue the ban on
physician assisted suicide.
There’s
nothing worse than allowing our elders the right to think for themselves, the
right to allow them their own life and to do with it as they please. We have to
keep them alive for as long as possible, despite all the pain they may go
though in this process. So forget this tomfoolery of physician assisted human
euthanasia and gather round, children. Bring the popcorn, because you don’t
want to miss grandma’s next thirty minute screaming fit of pain. In the words
of the almighty Benedict Arnold, “Let the old hag scream.”
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